on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
