i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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