shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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