Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
