i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
