Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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