Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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