i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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