I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
