I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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