if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
