she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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