I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
