Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
