I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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