from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
