He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
