Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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