Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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