I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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