Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
