Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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