hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
