I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
