She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
