Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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