Already got asked if we're dating
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
