i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
