Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
