my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
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