I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
