Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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