i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
