made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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