i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
