Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
