Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
