U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
