I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
