Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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