it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
