Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
