Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
