last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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