this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
