my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The uberlube is also flammable
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
