In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
