weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
