My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
