then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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