so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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