My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
