i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
