is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
