so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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