My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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