...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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