Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
