Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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