I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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