I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
