I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
